The Goal to "Be Fully Self-Supporting."

"Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." - Seventh Tradition of Al Anon.

This was the topic in a meeting I attended recently, and I have never been so happy to hear a "Traditions" topic. Some members spoke of never wanting or being able to ask for help, whether emotional, physical or financial. Though I too despise the vulnerability of expressing my needs for support, at times it could be for the best. "This is just what I'm dealing with," I thought to myself.

Here I am on the verge of trying to start something for myself, following both a passion and an entrepreneurial spirit that has beckoned me since childhood.  To be able to provide financial support to us would embolden me, increase my self-worth.  But the fact that the income is returned to us by me putting my passion into the world is something that makes it far more personal and intimate an employment.  To put it bluntly, I would be blessed.

Many program friends, non-program friends and family alike have encouraged me in this venture, and I feel that I am standing at the precipice of "My Life", a nebulous but exciting, terrifying, doubtful, hopeful time.  In truth, we each live our lives everyday - our lives are happening right now, as you read this and I type this - but after coming to Al Anon I realized I was not truly living my life.

For the past couple years, after two moves to different jobs and different towns, my husband has supported us financially.  Throughout our relationship I have quit four jobs to follow him, not gaining much on my resume and my hourly wage actually declined.  I do not have a job outside the home, but I do almost all of the housework, care for the pets, grocery shop, and cook.  When deciding to move for this current position, my husband's thought was it would mean more money for me to "follow my passion."  Something about which he has always been so generous, positive and encouraging.

Still, it is not difficult for me to feel guilty and just plain wrong for not having a job, especially as my husband has mentioned a few times that I don't work (only as a point of argument, usually to berate and insult me).  Even at the worst times when he was abusive (physically, verbally, psychologically) a small part of me thought maybe if I worked he would treat me better.  Maybe he would feel less burdened financially, maybe that would help his drinking.  Maybe he would respect me more and not tell me that I'm a loser even after all the nice things I do for him.  Maybe...

Never mind the fact that I have held a job the entire time we've known each other, and even then his behavior worsened.  How sad is it that I myself can come up with numerous reasons why I am not due the respect and courtesy any person should be given?

I remember when we went to counseling together a few years ago, and the counselor asked "What do you *do* for each other?"  My husband immediately mentioned that he earned most of the money, and the counselor stopped him. "That's great that you are able to provide so well for the both of you, but that is not what I'm asking.  What I am asking is what you do for her, specifically, to show your affection and love.  Paying the mortgage is not romantic."  No, it's not.

It is almost a week now that my husband has been ignoring me and living his separate life in our spare bedroom.  Tomorrow is payday, and my fear is that in an attempt to provoke a response from me, or out of pure spite, my husband will not deposit money in our joint account.  It is a Catch 22 for me - if he does it to provoke a response, I am left without money for food, pet food, gas, and will have to say something - he wins.  At that point I imagine he could become "insulted" that I would only talk to him for money.  If he does it out of spite or to further punish me, I am still in the position of having to go to him for help.

This is the position that I no longer want to be in.  I crave the opportunity to work for myself, to earn money and not feel the guilt and shame of having someone "take care of me."  Not to say that anyone in this position should be judged - I have several married friends who earn less than their spouses or earn nothing outside the home.  But we cannot live our lives expecting that our needs will always be met by someone else - if something ever happened to my husband, what would I be left with?  Surely it is for the betterment of my mind, body and soul to feel the satisfaction once again of earning money.  I have considered getting a part-time job, and hope that it would be enough to contribute but also not interfere with my venture (small-business start-ups are extremely time consuming, as we are our own bookkeepers, inventory managers, marketers, assistants, purchasers, web-designers, factory-workers etc.).  Things are tumultuous now and it may not be the best time to make such a decision, but I am keeping my options open.

As ever, we shall see.  For now, it's time to get back to work.