Feeling Crazy From "Master Manipulating" (The Cookie)

Well, here we are on Super Bowl Sunday, and my husband is once again stonewalling and avoiding me.  But this time there's a twist.

Friday night I had an absolutely FABULOUS time out with some program friends.  After a scrumptious dinner, a painfully-hilarious play at a local theater left us unable to breathe and wishing for an encore.  But before I left the house, my husband - upon seeing me dressed up and leaving - mentioned something about him not being invited.  Keep in mind these are program friends, but really it was a girl's night out.  He is always so content in staying in his room, drinking and working on his hobbies, that I was shocked he said anything.  Anything else he is invited to, he declines.  So after I scrambled to answer, I bid him goodbye and let him know when I'd be home.

The ominous feeling I had was validated when, on the drive to dinner, I saw I had missed his call.  He demanded to know where "all our money" had gone during the week I was away, that I had managed to spend however much was in there.  My friend who was driving could hear him barking at me after I calmly answered that I didn't know off the top of my head every transaction, but that he could check our account online and we'd figure it out.  I said goodbye, love you.  He hung up.

Later during dinner he called 5 more times.  6 times total, more times than we spoke while I was gone last week.  More times than he's called me in the last month or two.  I saw the missed calls, and also a text - "Why are you ignoring my calls?"  I let him know I'd just seen them, but we were taking our seats at the play.  "You're incredibly insulting", he replied.  I came home to a dark house, the side bedroom door locked, him presumably asleep with the tv on.

It had begun.

The twist is - though he was snappy the next morning, the rest of the weekend he would, with all the civility one would hope from their loving husband, let me know where he was going and ask if I needed anything.  (I need to add here, he is never so suddenly burdened with errands and weekend office trips as when he behaves this way).  And tonight, after I settled on the couch for the second half of the Super Bowl, my husband cooked his dinner, ate it and then went upstairs and away from me, but telling me along the way "There's a cookie in the kitchen for you from the market, if you want one."

So see everyone - he's not avoiding or ignoring me, because he bought me a cookie!  Thus there is absolutely no reason that there is anything wrong with his behavior - I mean, he's just hanging out, right?  Getting stuff done, buying his own groceries and cooking his own meals, and sleeping in the other bedroom with the door locked.  Like any normal, happy, well-adjusted non-alcoholic husband would.  And he even bought me a treat.

The disease is progressive, and behavior will change - this is what we learn in Al Anon.  In the past, my husband would pick fights and had different stages of behavior:  He would try to leave, taking his liquor with him.  Then he would break things, and then try to leave.  Then he would come at me, and then try to leave.  Then he would just leave - for the weekend, with no communication whatsoever.  So this is his new non-violent solution: why leave when you can ignore someone in the comfort of your own home?

I will not eat the cookie...I will not eat the cookie...