ISMs - I, Self, Me (Selfishness)

Right now is a tough time to be the wife of an alcoholic.

My mother has undergone a pretty serious, personally difficult surgery, and I flew back home to offer her emotional support as well as to be her caretaker in her immediate recovery.  For the past week, I have been here to make sure she is comfortable and has all the emotional support she needs.  Surgical drains must be emptied and its measurements logged, drain site must be cleaned daily.  Hugs must be given and occasional shoulder rubs offered.

"It's going to be okay, Mom."
"Just give all your worry to me."
"I love you."
"Your only job is to heal and be a good patient...Now drink your tea."

There has been a comforting and at times surprising outpouring of support and compassion from friends and family, but also from people my mother has not even met - acquaintances of mine and outright strangers to the both of us.  Each day there are calls, texts, e-mails and Facebook posts, asking "How is she?  How are you?"  This pure love and hope given to us also painfully highlighted the lack of support, care, and attention from one person.  Just one, out of the mostly supportive group of family and friends and neighbors and complete strangers.

Throughout all this, even during the surgery and right after, my husband has asked nothing of my mom's condition.  No "So how did it go?" or "How is your mom?"  "What did the doctor say?"  "How are you?"  "Your mom must be so relieved to have you there."  Nothing.  Not to mention, he has only called me once on his own - every other point of contact has been initiated by me.  It stings though it shouldn't surprise me - after all, when I'm home he barely speaks to me.  So his comments (even upon my return home) revolved around the various difficulties and stress my absence caused him - having to leave work at lunch to let our dog out and then drive back, having to wake up early to let them outside, etc.

Thus, it was no surprise to me that when my husband called me while my mother was still in surgery, the entire 30 minute conversation revolved around his interview that day with a new company (in another town. new post forthcoming).  Later in my visit, I couldn't stand it any longer - it was if my mother was the elephant in the room, so to speak, that he just refused to acknowledge her and her condition.  "I don't hear from you much", I said.  "No texts or calls asking me how my mom is, how I am...?"  My husband replied that I tell him before he has the chance to ask me.

Along the way in Al Anon, people have shared about the "isms" of alcoholism.  Though there are other forms of the acronym, often I hear it stands for "I, Self, and Me."  It is meant to illustrate a core issue with alcoholics, which is that even without alcohol they are still left with traits that can cause problems in their relationships and, not to mention, could lead them straight back to active addiction.  The math goes like this:

Alcoholism - Alcohol = ism.

Isms that stem from I, Self & Me could be selfishness, egoism, hypervigilance, control, manipulation, impatience, a quick temper, the list could go on.  But I think the core of these isms, just as the acronym stands for, is the self - so we'll stick with selfishness for today.

Why are addicts selfish?  I suppose that a self-centered focus ensures the survival of their addiction.  It could be a "chicken and egg" scenario.  The less time they spend thinking about anyone else, or any of their domestic responsibilities, walking the dog, paying the cable bill, the more time they have to think about their drug of choice, or use their drug of choice.  On the other hand, because their focus is on themselves and their drinking, they just do not have any space left to think about anything else.

Though my husband can be incredibly thoughtful and kind, I have learned to be careful and not completely accept these displays at face value, as sometimes gifts or favors really are about him, and not me.  Thus a bouquet of flowers doesn't mean: "You are so great to me."  What it really means is: "See how great I am? To you?"

A program friend lent me the book "Addictive Thinking", which apparently was written after a secret psychological interview with my husband.  The book is pretty good, not as in-depth into the traits that the author discusses, but everything makes sense.  The topics include an alcoholic's concept of time, their guilt & shame, feelings of omnipotence, their confusing of cause and effect, their denial, rationalization & projection and their hypersensitivity.  In my first post I mentioned how much time I had spent trying to diagnose him - "This kind of behavior has to be the sign of a mental illness" I would tell myself, "But which one is it?"

There is a blindingly obvious missing issue in this book, in my opinion - the selfishness encountered on a daily basis.  Insidious and a chameleon-like, it can seem charming and thoughtful at times and completely transparent at others.

For example, in general my husband rarely asks me questions, and when he does they have to do with him and his needs, wants, interests.  Such as - "Are we out of (x)?"  "Did you buy (x)?"  "Did you hear about (insert professional athlete's name here) transfer to (insert professional sports team name here)".  There is no lingering conversation in which he asks me how my day was, what I did; if I'm working on something he doesn't inquire as to what it is or stop to watch.  If I was not the one desperately reaching out on a daily basis, trying to connect with him on some level no matter how trivial, there would be no communication in our house.

I just returned home yesterday from my trip, and my mom called me after I landed to give me the great news that her test results were negative for remaining cancer, which was a huge relief.  A friend had to pick me up from the airport - that morning, after my husband and I texted about my arrival time, where he would be waiting for me, etc., he texted me back 90 minutes later and said "On second thought, just take a cab from the airport."  I asked why.  "I'm tired of driving this week."

Does this sound familiar to anyone?   According to Blogger's statistics I have readers (so flattered!) and would love to hear what you have to offer.

Until then, I'm hanging in.  Hope you are, too.