Today was the first day that I can recall in quite a while in which we purposely did not speak to each other. He did not contact me, I did not contact him. When he returned home from work and prepared his own dinner, there was no talking, no eye contact, nothing at all. I have not even seen his face. Early mornings come and go and I hear nothing of him getting ready, as he has everything he needs and thus does not need to come into our bedroom. This is when being married to a functioning alcoholic doesn't feel so functional.
The consensus among my wise program friends is that "responding in kind" to his behavior, i.e. not speaking to him unless I have to, is acceptable and potentially (probably) protective. After all, when we engage in anything other than small talk we enter dangerous territory - dangerous for me, that is, as sooner or later there will be barbs thrown in my direction, and I then react instead of reply. I cannot help to feel completely and utterly at a loss, and find myself afraid to even speak to him at all lest he snap, snark or, worst of all, not respond. Not engaging with him (talking, texing, calling, pleading, begging him to talk to me) when he is avoiding me is a new behavior, and as such feels so unnatural as to make me ill.
To my credit, I have this time abandoned my once insanely prodding and begging persona and asked him only once the now tiresome questions: "What's wrong? What's going on?" And his answer - that I ignored his calls. That's right everyone - him living a separate life since this past Friday evening is due to me *not picking up his calls*. To anyone else this would seem ridiculous, immature, crazy, rude, asinine, or just plain fucked up. But to me this has been life as I know it for the past year. My chronologically-adult husband is throwing a temper tantrum and punishing me because I had the audacity to enjoy my dinner with friends and not answer my phone when He called to berate me. And instead of talking to me about it, he took his dolly and went home.
I keep telling myself - this is the disease, this is what it does, and there is nothing I can do about it except take care of myself. This seems normal only due to its recurrence. I didn't do anything wrong. I am human. I am worthwhile. I repeat the 3 C's:
Didn't Cause it
Can't Control it
Can't Cure it
I repeat the Serenity Prayer. I talk to my sponsor. I try to focus on myself and my work. I eat a bagel. I regret the bagel.
Alcoholics are bullies, I heard once, and we're afraid of them because of the constant roller coaster of chaos and quiet. Up and down, Jekyll and Hyde. And the fear of what they will do if we say no, or what they will do to hurt us the next time is what keeps us under their control. "Alcoholics don't have relationships", a recovering alcoholic once told me. "They take prisoners."
And yet here is my husband, locking himself away.
Can your husband and my husband hang out together and you and I can go do something fun? I swear this is my life. I feel like I am always in trouble...
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. The last paragraph is so very true. I have been married 5 years. For 4 years he drank but I never noticed it as a problem. However, this past year my husband got a job 3 hours away and started living in a hotel 4 nights a week. This gave him the opportunity to hide the quick progression of his disease. Over the course of a year he became more and more distant. Then suddenly he started picking fights, became irritable, and emotionally abusive . I couldn't understand this change until I slowly uncovered his drinking. I started finding alcohol in the car, in our shed, behind a basement wall - everywhere. I would confront him and we would have these great (fake) conversations where he admitted he had a problem and would fix it. But nothing changed except he would move the alcohol to new hiding places. He would swear he was sober and hadn't drank in weeks but I would smell it on him and find empty coffee cups that stunk of booze. I kept confronting him and became obsessed with uncovering his lies. The last straw for him was when I caught him (multiple times) sneaking alcohol while on a family vacation. We had a long talk where I begged him to be honest with me and told him I was so hurt by the lies and secrecy. This time instead of making false promises and admitting a problem, he withdrew and became sullen and angry. He avoided the rest of the family and barely left our room. Something changed in him after that conversation and I speculate that it was that he knew I saw him for what he was and no longer for what he wanted me to see. When he returned to work 2 days later he placed an online add for sex and began seeing a prostitute. It was a big F*#k you for uncovering the things he worked so hard to hide. As soon as I found out and confronted him he said it was my fault because I never made him happy. My fault he was sleeping with and spending OUR money on prostitutes! I am so disgusted and can't believe that this is the same person I was deeply in-love with. This is a stranger who I have never met before. He is angry, bitter and intent on pushing me out of his life. I filed for divorce - not because I want to but because he left me with no other choice. Our friends and family don't seem to understand especially when I name the drinking as the issue because they never saw a problem. He is charming, handsome and always seems to be under control. Dr Jekyll and Hyde.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. You are not alone. We are on day 7. I'm trying to make good use of this time alone catching up with friends. When he is ready to work and play well with others, I will attempt logical conversation. Until then, I find it helpful to focus on enjoying the things bring me joy: my boys, painting, friends, and binging on Netflix. What will be will be and all of the stressing, nagging, anxiety in the world will not change it. This I know. I have tried.
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