Working On My White Space

• 
  

I need to stop staring at the black dot.

A program friend of mine attended a newcomer's meeting recently, in which she heard a fantastic share: a woman recalled how her sponsor held up a blank sheet of paper, and then on the sheet of paper put one black dot.  When asked what she saw, the woman said "a black dot."  Her sponsor then wisely pointed out the overwhelming amount of blank space around the dot.  

"The blank space is waiting to be filled with our lives, our hopes and our dreams.  Our passions, hobbies and interests."

When I heard this I thought - "I. Am so. Tired."  

The other morning I woke up with a migraine.  Woke up, after a full night's sleep, with a migraine.  And all I could think was, "Hey, wait a second - isn't the wrong person hungover, here?"  

But just like my husband may become sick with withdrawal from alcohol, I make myself sick - with the constant obsession over what he's thinking, planning, drinking, and the subsequent withdrawals of ME.  

MY plans.

MY interests.

MY passions.

MY life.

Back in the day, I used to be a much more interesting person.  I used to you know, know stuff.  Stuff that I could talk about intelligently and passionately, like books.  Books that I was able to read cover to cover without stopping because it was before the time that it became too much work to read something so completely unrelated to anything having to do with alcoholism, recovery - basically anything that I was too busy worrying about to actually live my life.  And to boot, all this has left me feeling oh, a tad socially awkward.

I have lost myself.

A few months ago, a kind soul opened her home to me while I was traversing the country on a wee road trip.  A planned lunch stop was quickly rescheduled.  "I think you should stay the night :o)" she texted.  So it was a lovely two days of lounging, chatting, drinking tea, exploring, doing everyday things, drinking more tea, and being in the world again.

At one point my friend asked me The Question.  The Question which I had so much trouble answering that made me think, something is really wrong here.  Why is this so hard?  It went like this:

"So what kinds of movies do you typically watch?"
"Um..."
".....?"
"....."
"Comedies?"
"Um...."
"Well what was the last movie you saw?"
"...."
"....?"
"Hold on I'm thinking."

Finally I squeaked out "Yeah, um, comedies...um...historical dramas?"  I was in a panic.  The fact of the matter was I didn't even know what movies I like anymore.  I may as well have answered with something like "Movies good.  Popcorn.  Actors."  *Facepalm*

So as I'm thinking about all this I had a little epiphany.  Have you ever seen one of those optical illusions where you look at a picture for a length of time and then afterwards, the picture remains in your sight?  That's the problem with focusing on the black dot so intensely.  Even when you try to look away YOU SEE IT EVERYWHERE.  Dot.  Dot.  Dot!  DOT.  A hologram haunting every attempt at refocus elsewhere.  

Sure, the black dot is there.  There's nothing we can do about the black dot itself - it exists in our lives, I mean, it's there.  To pretend it's not there is denial, and I was there for a long time.  If we want the black dot to "go away", that would mean a few different things: after some serious thinking about whether to stay or go, either the removal of ourselves from our relationship...or?  That's it.  If we don't want the black dot in our lives, that's it.

For those of us who remain, or for those of us who may have a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic and cannot break up or divorce that person (they are our parents, our children, or other family members) what we can do is work on our white space.  Fill up our own lives with who we are, what we're passionate about.  Maybe it's a favorite charity to which we haven't devoted much time, maybe it's taking more time to care for our own health and well-being - making that yoga class on Wednesday nights that we "never have time for" or asking a friend or neighbor to watch the kids so we can catch a movie.  Or relaxing and reading that book that's been gathering dust on our nightstand, getting back into an old hobby or interest, catching up with friends.  I guarantee you there are tons of things I can't even think of because I'm just not completely there yet myself to even fathom what they are.

What it means, ultimately, is to be more present in our own lives.  To honor our own spirits, our amazingly varied and special personalities, and to nourish the relationships we have with friends and family.  I can tell you this - sure, I am geographically handicapped and am miles and miles from those I love, but I sure miss my friends.  A few in particular, who had been such a bright, fun source of friendship and support, that surely I was not a proper friend to, as I was too busy dealing with "everything" to really be there for them.  And they spent so much time being there for me, lifting and filling me up.  They knew my circumstances and I felt safe with them, free from judgment.

My heart misses them, and as we're right in the middle of the holiday season it makes me want to drive all the way to their houses, skip wildly back and forth in front of their front lawns with signs and say "Thank you!  Thank you for seeing ME in the middle of everything, thank you for loving and caring for ME.  Now it's your turn!"  My friends and family are such a huge part of ME, and who I am, and fostering relationships with my wonderful "family of choice" is a tremendous blessing.  And I hope that I can get closer to being the real ME as I come out of this dark cloud, to be the real and great friend, daughter, sister and loved one that I know I am.

We are so fortunate to have those in our lives that do this for us, and it's completely and totally okay that sometimes we are that person that do those things for us, that we are enough.  A couple weeks ago I ordered a gorgeous flowery electric tea kettle, and a dainty cup and saucer set, just one of each.  And at night, after a lovely bath with essential oils, I truly relish sitting down to a great cup of Earl Grey, reading my new favorite book, surrounded by my snoozing animals.  It doesn't sound like much but it's a huge step for me, and I love it.  Maybe it's serenity that I'm experiencing, and it's a feeling that I didn't think I could have in my situation.  It makes me feel stronger and more able to take care of myself, and build my own life.  That I can and will be okay.  That I am enough.

There are certain things that make me feel like myself again.  The Real Me is in there, and when I do these things she opens her eyes, yawns and stretches at the day, looks around and says "Ah, here I am.  I am here."

What are those things for you?  What helps you feel like yourself again?

It's That Time of Year, and it can be challenging to focus on our white space right now.  But as always, my hope stretches out to you that you can find a small corner of your own white space, curl up in it or stretch out, throw some pottery, go hiking, sign up for that beginner's French class you always wanted to take, make your grandmother's ravioli, dance around and frolic or take a nap.  Whatever floats your boat.

As for me, time to go study up on Netflix.  If someone else asks me The Question anytime soon, I want to be prepared.

"...And The Lady Will have The Spinach Dip."

This past week and a half has been rough.

I mentioned in my previous post that my husband is once again stonewalling me - sleeping on the couch, getting ready in the other bathroom, not wearing his wedding ring.  Not wearing his wedding ring.  It always hurts, and always confuses.  Especially when there are small "nice" gestures thrown in each day for good measure (though he remains sleeping on the couch without his ring).  I try to tell myself, "This is part of the disease, this has nothing to do with you."  But it's hard to detach sometimes.

When I type it out it hits me how insane this all is, especially because I look back at what's transpired in terms of "arguments" and there isn't anything I did that could possibly justify this kind of behavior.  And that's the issue of mine that I still struggle with, even after a year and a half in Al Anon: every time there is unacceptable behavior I try to understand why, and how, and what did I do?  I still have not completely realized the fallacy of the "logic" - his or mine, in the dysfunctional dynamic we have been living in for so long - that the only thing that can change my husband's behavior is my behavior.

Last night, after coming home from work and making his own dinner, my husband left without saying to where or when he'd be back.  He returned shortly thereafter, having forgotten something, and he lingered at the door.  I gave in and asked him where he was going.

"Out."
"Well out, right, but where?"
"Somewhere. I don't know."

He said he just wanted to be out, and it was very clear that he did not want to be here, with me, and our pets, and the weekend ahead of us ready to be filled with things to do together.  He looked sad, on the verge of angry tears.  When I offered that I'd be gone walking our dogs, that he could have the run of the house, I realized I was trying to get him to stay, and stopped. "Okay", I said, and walked away before he walked out.

This was huge for me - just last week he wanted to leave and I tried to talk him into staying, I just thought "This is ridiculous - I have to get through to him.  He can't just leave like this! I deserve to be listened to, I'm his wife!"  He ended up shoving me away from the door.

So last night, after he left, I continued to do the next right thing and take care of myself - I leisurely walked our dogs as planned and went for a swim.

In the pool, while floating around, I heard other couples in our complex giggling, laughing, talking on their way home from dinner.  It occurred to me it was Friday night - Friday night - and I am alone in our pool, and at this rate probably going to spend the evening alone and waiting for him to come back, potentially going to bed in a fit of resentment, anger and hurt.

Then the record scratched.

"No way", I thought.  "I'm going to meet my own needs."

So you know what I did?  I took myself out on a date.  I got dressed up, did my makeup, put on perfume, zipped myself up, told myself how nice I looked, and I took myself out on a date.  I let me pick the restaurant.  I even held the door open for me.  Who says chivalry is dead?

On the way to the restaurant, it was difficult to stay in the moment and not become anxious at the thought of my husband returning home and finding I had left.  "He's going to be upset" I kept thinking, but I put it out of my mind.  I wanted to give myself a nice night out, and the only way to do that would be to stay in the moment.

It was a late dinner, and when I returned home my husband was still gone, though I could tell he had been home.  A few things were missing, and it became clear to me that he had no intention of returning until the end of the weekend.

As of this post I still have not heard from my husband - no calls, no texts.  I awoke in the middle of the night last night in a panic, my heart racing, fearing something had happened to him or he'd been arrested or worse.  That this is somehow my fault, playing the guilt & regret tape on repeat in my mind, playing back things I could have done differently.  But I am not in control of my husband's behavior - there are no invisible marionette strings.  And any analysis of cause and effect means I'm slipping back into codependency and unhealthy habits.  His behavior is his property and my behavior is my property.  The more I remind myself of that, the better I can calm down, breathe, and get some sleep.

Why is it so hard to accept this?

When it comes down to it, it's this: when I accept that I am not the problem then I must accept that I am not the solution.  Anything I say, do or offer is of no lasting consequence to the health, behavior and sobriety of my husband.

It doesn't matter how much I love on him.

It doesn't matter how many times we have sex. 

It doesn't matter how often I tell him I love him.
It doesn't matter what or how often I cook for him.

It doesn't matter if I don't tell him "Good Morning" the morning after a fit.

It doesn't matter if he gets love notes or other tokens of affection.
It doesn't matter.

My husband will continue to drink until he experiences a consequence.  One could argue that all of the loving, kind things I've done for him - despite his unacceptable treatment of me - is enabling.  It's fuzzy to me, and though I'm not sure, I definitely do see how continuing to "go along to get along" has not helped him in the direction of a consequence.  And to boot, though I try to "let it begin with me", I too often fall into being a doormat.

I hope anyone reading this understands that it is not their fault.  That we all deserve to be treated with love and respect by our husbands and wives.  And that behavior and treatment of this nature is passive-aggressive manipulation, not communication of feelings, thoughts and needs.

So take yourselves to dinner.  Take your kids for a walk.  Go to the movies.  Sit for a quiet 30 minutes by yourself.  Cook the new recipe your friend e-mailed you.  Read the book that's getting dusty on your side table.  Sitting around worrying, waiting or wishing for your alcoholic to meet your needs is such a waste of the precious now that we are so fortunate to have.


Please all take care of yourselves, and try to do the next right thing.  I'll be doing the same.

Changing The Things I Can

It is coming up on one year that I have been in Al Anon, and there's nothing quite like an Al Anon Anniversary to put your past year in perspective.  Oh, the things that have happened, been said, been done. My sponsor recently pointed out to me just how far I've come - from having nothing to do except get up in the morning (whenever that was), cook, walk the dogs, go to meetings - to now, having so much on my plate from my venture that I am struggling to check off all of my to-do list most days.  In short, I am overwhelmed by Me and My World and they are great things to be overwhelmed by.

All of this good stuff happened when I had my first real breakthrough in focusing on me and changing the things I can.  There were so many times I felt as though I were emotionally crawling into a meeting, so desperate for some hope, so tired of constantly worrying about my husband's drinking, what problems it would soon cause and how I could work around them, having too many pre-scripted arguments in my own head stored away in a dark, sick catalog.  As I once shared in a lead, I was so hyper-vigilant I thought myself to be a Green Beret or a Navy Seal - every possible outcome mapped, every possible angle analyzed and strategized in my sad little alcoholic "Choose Your Own Adventure".  No thanks.

"Worrying and a rocking chair are the same in that they give you something to do but in the end you get nowhere", I heard once in a meeting.  So one of the first changes I made was to my own thinking - nope, can't worry.  "I can't control the first thought in my head, but I can control the ones after it" I've also heard.  So I put worrying on my list.

"When you point the finger at someone, you have three pointing back at you."  Yup.  Too often I am taking my husband's inventory (and others!) instead of my own.  Yes, there are times to judge the behavior of someone else and decide what is healthy for us to do in terms of setting boundaries, keeping ourselves emotionally or physically safe.  But there's a reason this is an Al Anon maxim - when I'm focused on the shortcomings of others I can't possibly begin to open up the delicate patchwork of my own repair and recovery.  And phew, is there some room for change and evolution within me.

Here's my current list of things I'd like to change (in no particular order):

Get more organized - treat my workspace like a temple, something to be primped and taken care of, because like most important things in life, it nurtures me when I nurture it.

Get healthy - truly, I fancy myself to be a health nut.  Which would be hard to understand if you saw me eating some of the yummy but bad for me things I pile on my plate come lunch time.  Eat less, move more.  It's already working, but I need to stick with it.

Re-learn the art of conversation - lately I've been stuck in my own head.  2013 has already thrown quite a bit my way (mom's surgery, new move on the horizon, venture happenings) and I find myself in a state of reaction, which is a comfortable place for us Al-Anons.  But the reaction isn't so much in my life, as I feel I am making proactive changes, but in my communication.  It has been difficult of late to keep what I think are coherent conversations on my part.  What is wrong with me?  I wonder.  So, I think I need to give myself a rest, relax and just go with the flow.

Learn how to love my husband where he is - I thought I had this down.  I thought I was good at this.  But lately there is such a gray area surrounding my detachment, it is foggy and I can do nothing but feel my way through it.  My caretaking skills have won out yet again, and so I am relearning how to be a wife to my husband and not a mother; a wife who is empathetic, kind, loving but honors him as a separate, different human being.  Right now this thought scares the hell out of me, but I'm working on it.  And it's okay to be happy when he's drinking.  Even when he has a glass of red wine downstairs and I catch him (completely by accident) drinking from a mini-bottle of white wine upstairs.  Would you believe it?  It still surprises me every time.  But he's not a bad person, he's a sick person, and you know, he still makes me laugh, he still does sweet things, and we still have that spark.  And that's okay to admit.

Asking for help - and accepting it when it is offered - Do you know how many times I wish my husband would do the dishes?  I stand at the sink and am repulsed and annoyed at the stinky, burgeoning pile of plates, mugs and silverware, and I just, I just seethe.  It's one of the few times that I actually seethe.

"Why can't he just do the dishes?" I ask myself as I sigh, turn on the hot water and get to work.

      *clank*  "He just doesn't THINK -"
      *clink clang*  "Ugh he just gets to come home, do his thing, let ME worry about all this -"
      *tink ting clank*  "Must be nice to not care!  Sigh, so selfish."

And then, maybe even the next day or a few days later -

       "Hey let me get that, I got it" he says, commandeering the mess.
        "No it's okay, I can do it."

The first word out of my mouth is "NO" - no! I need help.  Oh, ha, I just got that.

Not feeling guilty for being "selfish" - I just had myself a little epiphany.  This originally was going to say "Stop being so selfish."  Lately I've been spending a lot of time on myself, and it's rare.  I've hardly abandoned anyone but I am, say, more quiet.  I am trying to let my friends come to me, which is scary because well, sometimes they don't.  And being this far away from most of my friends, that hurts sometimes.  But I am taking care of myself, curling up in my little space and not dropping everything for everyone.  Okay, maybe sometimes, but really I'm getting better.  I swear.  It is so not attractive to not have a life, right?

Getting to meetings on time.  I can't remember the last time I heard a full lead, which inevitably means I won't share, because I am not fully understanding the meeting and feel my share won't make sense.  And as it is I'm having a hard time making sense during my shares.  So with this, I should probably go upstairs, take a shower and get ready already.

What are you all working on?  It is such a freeing thought that we can change ourselves, no matter where we are.  That "our situation may not get better, but we can."

Have a great day all!