Codepency Blues

Okay.

So it's been a while since I've posted.  A while being almost a month.  I'm sorry.

I say I'm sorry because you know, I do feel quite guilty when it's been so long, because I think of all of you out there who need recovery any place you can find it, and from the comments and e-mails I receive I am humbled to know that in some small way I am helping some of you.  So when I'm absent my guilt bubbles up that I am then in some small way abandoning you - and myself - but I have to remind myself it is actually a completely self-imposed "obligation".  Because believe me, this is so not coming from some deluded, grandiose place of "These people need ME and my experience or else...?!"  It's really an automatic instinct on my part to feel obligated and guilty when I don't show up.  But nonetheless, I can't help myself.

Which is a perfect segue into this post about codependency.

Codependency: I feel overly responsible for the decisions, choices and behaviors of others, and the consequences of their decisions, choices and behaviors.

This is completely me, and a lot of us involved with anyone suffering from addiction.  It's not just about their drinking or using.  I have tried to assert my will over my husband's a number of times on the smallest of things, because I think "No, this is better, if I just explain it he'll see that."  It's not that I think he is stupid, incapable of taking care of himself or make the right decisions, it's that my brain is wired to aggressively help and assist those around me without their request, and often (in the past) against their will.  I should point out that the codependency flares the most with those I'm closest to but since it's part of who I am, at my worst self I was this way with everyone.  Okay, am still sometimes occasionally every now and then this way - I'm working on it.  Progress not perfection!

Symptoms of codependency include the following:

1. Low self-esteem.
2. People-pleasing.
3. Poor boundaries.
4. Reactivity.
5. Caretaking.
6. Control.
7. Dysfunctional communication.
8. Obsessions.
9. Dependency.
10. Denial.
11. Problems with intimacy.
12. Painful emotions.

Check, check, check the rest.  Each of these could be their own post.  Reactivity and dysfunctional communication are huge ones for me.  One of the primary symptoms of my disease is that when my husband appears upset, I go into "fix it" mode, stopping at almost nothing to see what is wrong and how I can "help".  You see, crazy person that I am, when he's in a bad mood, my thinking goes like this:

Oh no.

*sick feeling*
What's wrong?

Wait a minute.
What did I do?

Ugh not again.
What just happened between then and now?
Maybe it's this...
...It could be that.

Did I say something...?
Oh no.

I absolutely, completely, totally cannot stand when my husband is in a bad mood - especially if it is anger directed at me for something I didn't do, that in no way is related to me or has anything to do with me.  I just can't take it.  If you're not happy, it's my fault.  That's my disease.

Growing up without direct, assertive communication with one of my parents, I learned how to play the guessing game of "What's Wrong?"  How you play is you have to ask just the right questions to crack the code and get the answer.  When that parent wasn't happy with me, they did play the silent game, and this parent didn't communicate their issues with my behavior so I was left in the dark to wonder and worry.  Sometimes they would lay there silent, watching television, while I stood there and asked question after question, until something sparked a slight nod, their eyes moving toward my direction, anything to sound off the bell.

*Ding ding* You win!

Fast forward to today.  If someone's quiet I think "Shit, what did I do?"  It must be me, and it's now my job to simultaneously fix it and find out what's wrong, in no particular order.  Now I make more of an effort to remember that we're all adults here, and if someone is possibly upset with me or for some other reason, they can choose to bring it up with me and communicate assertively - it's not my job to be hyper-vigilant and do their communicating for them.  This doesn't mean I ignore my own behavior or cut off my friends or loved ones, it just means I'm trying to move to a healthier state with them, which is to stop pestering them any time there's been a lag or a period of "silence." (Also - it's not always about me!  Something else I have to deprogram in myself).

Codependency is also a great way we stay in denial.  If I remain convinced that my behavior, thoughts, and actions drive someone else to behave, think or act in a certain way, then I remain in denial that my loved one has an addiction that has nothing to do with me.  It's the great illusion (sometimes shared between the codie and addict) that the only thing that can change their behavior is our behavior.  So in that way we prevent our loved ones from experiencing any consequences of their own actions, and as a result we enable their addiction.

A friend of mine was speaking with her therapist recently, and she expressed her concern that if she didn't speak up, certain things could happen. 

"He could (X)"
"Yes.  That's true", the therapist said.

"Well if he doesn't do X, then Y will happen."
"That could, yes," the therapist agreed.
"Well..."

The therapist was trying to point out that the consequences of her husband's behavior are the consequences of her husband's behavior.  

Case in point for me:  This past Mother's Day, my husband was traveling for work, so of course I did what any good codependent wife would do and made sure to buy his mom's gifts, have them wrapped, spent a thoughtful amount of time to pick out her card - all this after he said she may not get anything this year.  Of course, he could have planned ahead, but planning ahead is not one of his strong suits and knowing this, I insisted that I shop for her - without his asking me to - and then reported to him what I purchased and even took photos.  He could have not gotten her anything, and she - I can only assume - would have been hurt and confused, and inevitably I would be left thinking it was somehow my fault.

Now, this is after a good year in Al Anon.  And after I knew better.  And after I told myself, "I probably don't need to do this."  But I still did it.  Maybe the healthy difference is that afterwards it didn't feel like the "success" that it used to, even though he thanked me.

One of the results of all this codependency has been this: maybe, just maybe, I focus on how to fix it so much so that I won't see that damn, this is just bullshit.  It's not how I deserve to be treated, not how I want my marriage to be.  But if I keep focusing on the fixing it - on the details - then maybe I can put off dealing with The Big Picture a little longer.  Maybe I can avoid looking at me, what I could change to empower myself, how I really view myself, what makes me happy.  Because when I contemplate those questions, I tell ya.  Scares the hell out of me.  I'm getting a little panicky just writing about it.

So when there is unacceptable behavior, I question my own contribution to see where things went wrong.  I think, "Well maybe if I hadn't said this" or "Dammit, I shouldn't have said anything."  Still, after really truly knowing better, it isn't my first instinct to pull back and see someone else's choices as their choices.

As ever, something to work on in myself.  Hope you are all hanging in wherever you are, and I'm sending a crap ton of love and strength your way.

A Marriage or Relationship With a Functioning Alcoholic - To Stay or To Go?

There have been quite a few comments on my first post, I'm Married to A Functioning Alcoholic, to me and to others regarding the decision of whether to stay or go.  So though I have several other posts waiting to be edited and published, and as I consider this myself, I thought I should address the issue of staying vs. leaving.

Oh, the stories I have heard in Al Anon.  I have heard stories of heartache, triumph, abuse, recovery, catastrophes and miracles.

I have friends who left their actively-drinking husbands, I have friends whose actively-drinking husbands left them.  I have friends whose husbands got into recovery and their marriage was saved (though as marriages do, they still have their challenges), and friends whose husbands got into recovery and decided to walk away.  Husbands who stopped drinking but were never sober (abstinence is different than sobriety).  Husbands who were never unfaithful, some that were.  Husbands who were never physically abusive, but emotionally abusive.  Husbands who were never abusive but were controlling or distant.  Husbands who sleep in and have a mostly-functioning job but can't make it to work on time or husbands who are totally on it, make it to work and never skip a day like the Corporate Superhero they may think themselves to be.  The list of the trade-offs and comparisons goes on, and on, and on...

A dear program friend of mine, for example - her husband actually talks to her about his drinking.  He talks to her ABOUT his DRINKING!  He admits to her that he has a problem, though he's not at the point where he can do something about the drinking as the main issue.  And sometimes I think - why can't my husband talk to me about his drinking?  (Never thought I'd be jealous of something like that).  Why can't he at least recognize it's a problem to me?

What makes some spouses "get it"?  What makes some of them hit some kind of bottom, get sober, and get into recovery?  What's the "secret"?  I'm not sure there is one but I wish I knew - first of all I'd be, like, a bazillionaire (you all would get blog-follower discounts, just FYI) but also for my own marriage's sake.  But I don't know it.

I think it is truly amazing, and such a great surprise, that we have a growing community of support here on my humble little blog.  It is completely unexpected but great to know that we are out there, and we are not alone.  Though we all share the common experience of being in relationships or marriages to an alcoholic, circumstances can be different.  Also, you are not me.  I am not you.  I see how many people are struggling with whether to stay or leave, and subsequent comments with advice on whether to do so or not. I also see comments urging me to leave my husband, and others suggest I need to honor my sacred wedding vows and be here for better or worse, in sickness (hello) or in health.  But my goal here is to share my experience and also to provide insight, information and tools for you to understand alcoholism and assist you in making whatever decision you feel is right for you - whether that is to stay or leave.  And though many people may tell you what they think they should do, no one knows what you want to do, what you should do or how to do it better than you.

One of the main traits of people like some of us?  We know it all.  Phew, lemme tell ya, we sure know how to be right and how to tell you how you're wrong.  If you did things my way, you see, it would be easier, you would be happier.

And maybe sometimes we are right about some things.  Maybe even what you should do regarding your marriage.  But a lot of us ignore one simple contribution to our marriages and relationships - ourselves.  Us.  We think the alcoholic has the disease, they're the one who is wrong, they're the one who needs treatment.  They're the crazy ones, not us.

But we have a disease too.  I would venture to say that most of us if not close to all of us are codependent.  Whether we've stayed with our significant others or stayed a while and left eventually, there is a reason we were with them, a reason we "chose" them.  And until I fix that about myself, the cycle only continues.  How many people have I heard about who marry one alcoholic after another?  Both in recovery and out.  Sure, it's easy to say we're just victims of circumstance, but pretty soon it's clear what the common denominator is - me.

It is not our fault, but once we become aware of our own challenges and traits it is up to us to take care of ourselves, and stop worrying about fixing our alcoholic spouse.

"You need to get him some help", I've heard people say, to me and to others.

That is incorrect.  My husband is an adult, and his sobriety and recovery is his responsibility and his property.  My recovery is my responsibility.  For those of you who think it is your responsibility to to fix your husband or try to get him to see the light, smack some sense into him - that is the crux of the disease of codependency.  I understand that we love them, we want what's best for them.  But enmeshment (the engulfment of codependent relationships) can push us to put our alcoholic's needs above our own.  Because if we didn't take care of them and tell them what was healthy or unhealthy, right or wrong, they won't ever know, because they just don't get it, right?

Thinking this way, though, means that we still don't get it.  Everyone has the freedom to make their own decisions.  I'm not in control of my husbands drinking or disease or decision to become sober anymore than he's in control of how long I walk our dogs at night, or how much gelato I portion myself.

Some of us aren't in Al Anon, and that's totally fine.  Some of us are, and still tell people what they should do.  But all I can do here is provide you with my experience and say, "Here's how it was for me then, here's how it is for me now.  Here's how it could be if I stay, here's how it could be if I left."  I don't know you, and I certainly won't tell you what to do.  I can't judge you for making a decision I don't like (oh how judgmental I can be!).   Also, as much as I would like to be for my own sake, unfortunately I'm not psychic - I can't tell you exactly how it will be for you if you stay with your alcoholic spouse (whether they'll cheat on you or lose their job or you'll end up divorced) or if you leave your alcoholic spouse (whether they'll stay in active drinking or hit bottom).

Sure, there are specific commonalities to relationships with alcoholics, but they're not guarantees - if they were then some of the people I know need to get their money back.  It seems most of the almost-guarantees are the more general feelings of distance, trust issues, intimacy concerns, etc.  But I'm certainly not an expert.

For those of you just discovering that your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse is an alcoholic, and are wondering what you could be in for, I would urge you to learn more about the disease.  Whether it's research online, visiting a recovery or rehabilitation center and speaking to a counselor, or visiting Al Anon or open AA meetings, knowing how the disease works will help you no matter what decision you end up making.  I know for me, I was so baffled by why my husband behaved the way he did - it just didn't make any sense.  But thanks to open AA meetings I've learned that alcoholism is a "cunning, baffling and powerful" disease.

"Alcoholics aren't bad people, they're sick people" - that's what we learn from recovery centers and in Al Anon.

It has helped me to remember that my husband is a person, first and foremost, and a person whom I love who has a disease, and that I can separate him from it.  It has helped to relieve my guilt of feeling that I kept doing something wrong to upset him, to make him angry or sad or anxious, that this was somehow my fault.  It has made me more compassionate for him, even though his behavior is at times completely unacceptable.  It has helped me to be internally shielded from his attempts at blaming me for his drinking, for seeing through what the disease throws at me.  It has also helped me in almost every other aspect of my life, every other relationship.

Has it made me invincible, completely protected from anything he may say or do to me?  No.  After all, I'm human.  But I cannot tell you how much it has helped.  Even if I do decide to leave, all of these things will assist me in the end.  If I continue to stay, they will help me be near him without feeling his anger, and help me to continue my life without my focus completely on him.

The reason I started this blog was because there didn't seem to be a lot out there for people like me, who are married to an alcoholic who can hold down a successful job, doesn't miss work, hasn't been arrested and doesn't suffer the normal consequences alcoholism usually bestows upon the afflicted.  I thought it could help maybe just one person to recognize what was going on in their own marriage; that this indeed is a problem even though their spouse seems to "function".  I think most of us know it's a problem, we just didn't really know how to explain how it was a problem. It's a problem that we see because of proximity.  And when the disease is that close, sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.

Would I have married my husband had I known he was an alcoholic?  Most of the unacceptable behaviors were there at that point, just not as progressed or to the frequency they are now.  I personally am not sure it would have made a difference having a word for what was going on, but it's hard to say, as I still struggle with the feelings that "maybe things could change if..."  Maybe it would have depended on how much I was able to really understand what alcoholism is.

I do know that with the stonewalling that is going on right now (similar but not identical to earlier this year) that has again cropped up against me after an argument but without any rational reason, I am not happy.  And even when things are calm, without stonewalling and everything is "normal", there is not a lot of talking, reaching out, or affection for a lot of the time.  It is probably the isolation of the disease displaying itself even to me, but it is as if my husband keeps himself to himself, and I in turn sometimes keep myself to myself.  Yes, we go on nice trips and he does sweet things for me here and there, because deep down I have to think he is a good person who is kind, generous and thoughtful - but those times become farther and farther apart.

The progression of the disease is invisible, but the force remains all the same.  It feels as though my husband is on the ocean, slipping away from me, and I am on the shore watching, helpless, because though I could and want to call out to him he cannot hear me where he is; and in his struggle he cannot call out at all, and is unable to row himself back.  So we watch each other from the growing divide, over the bounding waves, silent.

I have my concerns of what I feel I may need to do.  But I'm not ready.  I don't know when I will be, and even despite the turmoil of the last week, the feeling that something hasn't happened yet that is supposed to, hasn't come.  My husband himself said a few days ago, during an argument, "If it's so bad then why don't you just leave?"  What I could have said, and what I've been thinking about since then is, "Is that my only option here?"

To say it isn't easy being married to an alcoholic - high-functioning or not - is an understatement.  Things were not always this way.  And left untreated, I only have evidence to suggest that things will continue to progressively get worse, and I could be looking back to now thinking "Oh, when he used to bring me roses and then become upset and ignore me.  But at least he brought me roses."  Here's your flowers, enjoy your weekend without me.

Please remember that even while you learn about alcoholism to take care of yourself.  If I spent half the time on my business that I do discussing my husband's latest behaviors with my program and non-program friends I could have a lot more work done.  It's up to me to take my hands, pick up my focus and direct it to where it belongs.  I don't mean put my head in the sand, but acknowledge what is going on around me, accept it, and act on my own behalf - not his.  The more we leave their disease to them, the more they are forced to look at themselves and we are forced to look at ourselves and OUR disease.  Our energies are free to be put toward our passions, our kids, the responsibilities of life.

I'll be posting soon on the "Do" of "Learn the facts about alcoholism", which makes a nice follow-up to this post.  Until then I hope you all keep your mind where your feet are, and do something special for yourself today, no matter how small or trivial it may seem.

Secret Drinking

Most evenings I greet my husband at the door when he returns home from work, hug and kiss him hello, smell it on his breath, and just continue to pretend I don't notice.  Quite a few times I've caught myself sniffing, and he noticed ("What?") and still I said nothing.  The times he comes home and there doesn't happen to be an odor, sooner or later throughout the evening it will usually appear.

Sometimes it feels like I am playing a little game called "I Know You Secretly Drink But I'll Pretend I Don't Know So We Can Try To Be Happy Together", and even though I am playing by the made-up rules (and the rules I made up myself, mind you!) I'm still losing.  Part of being in Al Anon is understanding that we don't talk about the alcoholic's drinking with the alcoholic.  Actually, I'm pretty sure this hasn't even been suggested but it's what I gather from the program.  Indeed, the times I have discussed my husband's drinking with him, things did not go well.

Part of being a "functioning alcoholic" is that my husband is able to keep up his professional life and remain successful in his field while being a good provider to us.  The "alcoholic" part is that he drinks, he hides his drinking and also, he is drinking alone.  And, I suspect, everyday.  So he drinks everyday, alone, sometimes in his car before coming in the door so I can't see it (I prefer to think it's this instead of drinking while he drives home), and sometimes upstairs in our side room where I also can't see it.  He hides the bottles so that if and when I go inside, I'm none the wiser.

From what I have learned, there are a few reasons alcoholics hide their drinking:

1. To increase their intake unnoticed.

To clarify, though most of my husband's drinking is in secret, not all of it is - on weekends he puts on the show for me called "See, I Bought This Six Pack And Only Drank One And Didn't Even Finish It."  (I hate that show, it's always reruns).  In his mind, he's showing me he can control himself.  And for a while I believed it was true.

But one night, reality smacked me across the face.  He had a glass of red wine downstairs that he was nursing.  He took a sip and went upstairs.  I needed something from our bedroom and when I went up, our dog followed me - when he saw her (but not me) he told her to go downtairs.  Turning around, I saw his mini-wine bottle up in the air as he downed the last drops of the white wine inside.  When he came down from his sip he saw me seeing him; I said nothing and walked back downstairs.

My first thought was "But - he has his...glass of red...wine...downstairs...?"  Well gee golly gosh.


2. The alcoholic knows their relationship with alcohol has become unhealthy.

At some point last year, my husband mentioned to me that he was working later and later at work because he figured the less time he was at home, the less time he had to drink.  He has made other comments to me that leads me to believe he may be grappling with the idea that he has a problem:

"I know I do, and I don't care.  And if you don't like my drinking you can leave."
"Well, I know I have, you know - whatever - but it's not a problem until it becomes a problem."

When I caught my husband making a drink upstairs in another room:  "You moved the bar upstairs?"  I couldn't help myself.  "Yeah well I know it bothers you so I don't do it around you."

Recently my husband told me some facts about how alcohol affects dopamine in addicts.  "How do you know this?" I asked him.

"I looked it up online."  Genuinely, I gave him a quizzical look.  "Because I thought I might be an alcoholic!" he said.


3.  Denial (They're hiding it from themselves).

I would imagine that drinking out in the open - and in front of me, especially - causes my husband to feel judged and ashamed.  He knows very well how I feel about his drinking, especially because I find it so damn hard not to make my little comments to let him know that I don't approve.  This in turn probably has a few effects, one of which is to really look at his drinking and at himself.  And seeing as he is still trying to control his drinking and further the idea that he doesn't have a problem, any introspective place probably isn't a very comfortable place for him to be.

So, let's just hide the drinking and I can pretend my wife doesn't know - because if she doesn't have proof I can say I'm not drinking as much as she thinks I am, or anything at all even.  And then I can also pretend that this isn't a huge problem, and I'm just hiding it because my wife is a controlling, judgmental wench of a woman who hates me and doesn't see that after all my hard work and providing for her, I deserve some booze right?  This last part is something he has told me in his own words - "I mean, I don't have kids, I don't have a house - can't I at least have this?"

Also regarding denial - after my husband let me know that he had searched online for information on alcoholism after thinking he possibly is one, he proceeded to tell me the difference between himself and an addict.  "Addicts say that they have no control over it, they can't control it.  But for me, every time I drink I'm choosing to drink, it's a choice."


Like discovering squirrel plantings out in the garden,  I've found bottles buried in the nooks and crannies of our home.

Hiding places are found by me accidentally, typically during cleaning up (and in my early recovery, during remedial Step 1 moments of searching).  Pushing a chair out of the way to vaccuum and I find empty pints underneath.  Looking for the cat under the bed in our other room and there are empty tall cans and mini wine bottles.  Checking the side closet for moving boxes I see that on the top shelf was his top shelf Seagrams VO, mostly empty.  Also:

In between the mattress and box spring of a spare bed.

In his work bag.
Stuffed in the couch between cushions.
In his jacket after a road trip.

In the trash he takes out.
Behind his computer monitor where I couldn't see.
On our bar, but behind a bottle of a kind of liquor he doesn't or won't drink.
Under the front seat.
In his luggage.
In the trunk.

Sometimes the bottles never surface, and the scent is just lingering in the air, on his breath, or in an empty can of soda.

The times I've ever delicately mentioned finding bottles (definitely in the context of a drinking discussion, and not a random topic of conversation) my husband maintains that the found bottles are old and have been there for "who knows how long."

Before we moved some of our things this past weekend, we got the oil changed on my husband's car.  It had been a nice weekend for the most part, and a nice day in particular.  But wouldn't you know, when I got in and saw some empty mini-wine bottles on the floor of the passenger side and coming out from under the seat, my husband's mood shifted pretty quickly.  He clammed up, his eyes were wide, and before I knew it he was driving, nay, speeding to the oil change place.  A little too roughly I may add - taking turns fast and flying into driveways.  Surely, he was pissed.  But why?  I hadn't even said anything and did my best to pretend I didn't even notice - which was probably ridiculous considering how obvious the bottles were.

A friend of mine who is a "double winner" (in both Al Anon and AA recovery programs) explained to me that he wasn't angry at me - he's angry that I had found one of his hiding places.  He had been "found out."  That alcoholics are filled with shame and that that shame is exacerbated by someone who discovers their secrets, whether through discovering hiding places or anything else that supports or is related to their addiction.  "His way of life is threatened."

His way of life.  Drinking alone, drinking in secret, drinking period.

So how am I getting through this?  It is a struggle, but I have accepted that my husband is an adult - he has the right to drink.  I also have a right to not accept his drinking or the consequences to our relationship, and I recognize that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.  To that end one of my options would be to tell him my concerns and be prepared to take any following steps for me and make my choices - this is not my strong suit.  Though it's taken me a while, I have learned that I can control the message but not the outcome (typically my past behavior was to tell him my message over and over again, for hours, essentially begging or pleading him to stop doing x and please do y, etc. until we were both exhausted.  Never worked).

Lastly, as ever I try to keep the focus on myself.  His drinking habits can easily become an obsession of my own, and so I tell myself to stop thinking of where he may be hiding his bottles tonight, to stop calculating how much I think he's had, and so on.  The only way to get through something like this isn't to ignore it, but to accept it, and to also accept that I'm powerless over the alcoholism.  I am powerless over my husband's own opinion of whether or not he has a problem, and I am powerless over his decision or lack thereof to enter recovery.

And so I continue attending meetings, talking to my sponsor and program friends, reading the literature, working on my business, and posting here.  This may be my secret from my husband, but it is a secret that I hope is maybe helping someone out there gain some perspective and realize that they aren't alone.