Geographical Cures (?)

Before I knew that my husband had a problem with alcohol, I knew he liked to "run away" from problems.  In the middle of arguments he would say something horrible and try to leave the house, sometimes with a bottle of Jack Daniels or whatever he was drinking at the time.  For quite a few years I tried to prevent him from leaving, desperate and confused, thinking "If I just talk to him, if I just get through to him it will be okay, he'll see what he's doing, he'll understand."

Did that ever work?  No.  

Did I keep doing it over and over and over again?  Yes.

Up until a couple years ago, usually he would apologize the next morning after he had inevitably slept it off.  He would tell me he was sorry for the way he acted, that it wouldn't happen again.  Then he stopped apologizing.  Then he wanted an apology from me.  Then he started picking fights so he could leave, or so he could ignore me and punish me for something I had no idea I had done, or something that I didn't do.  Sometimes, I think I am being punished for what a shitty father his dad was (shitty meaning "selfish, child-abandoning alcoholic").

Since we first got an apartment together back in our dating years, my husband and I have moved a total of six times together in a time-span of 8 years.  I have since learned that the "geographical cure" is the term AA uses to describe how alcoholics keep moving from place to place to get a fresh start.  My husband may be a "high functioning alcoholic" but in this regard, it feels dysfunctional for sure.

Two years ago, we owned our own home that was far from his job; at first when we moved there the distance wasn't an issue but slowly the traffic and drive became too much.  During a counseling session around that time, he told the therapist that he was stressed out from driving so much, and that this new job he was getting in a town three hours away would mean living much closer to work, maybe 10 minutes down the road.  That if he reduces his stress he'll be in a better place and not behave the way he does (alcoholism wasn't something we discussed then).

"A 'geographical cure' isn't going to change things, there will be the same problems waiting for you in that different town", the therapist said wisely.

"Yes but I'll be so much closer to work, I really think I won't be under the same daily stress", my husband replied.

But as they say in AA - "Wherever you go, there you are."

So we moved to that town.  A few months after he got an apartment there, I quit my job and moved there too.  A year later he was again applying to other jobs in other towns - this time because he was unhappy with the position, it was boring and his boss was not giving him more challenging work or acknowledging his accomplishments, passing him up for a promotion.  Within a few months an out-of-state company wanted to see him for an interview, and he was offered the job shortly thereafter.  We had a month to pack up our house, pack up the apartment and move.  I cried and cried, not wanting to leave my home state and all the people I knew and loved.  My father had passed 2 years prior (my mother was now by herself), we had lost our house - all these changes to get used to and all it once, it seemed.

More than this, though, was that 2011 had been so fraught with unacceptable behavior on his part that I feared we would have more of the same upon moving here.  And I have never been so pissed to be right - it got worse than I thought possible.  Before making the transition here my husband told me "It's just for a couple years - and if either one of us doesn't like it, we'll move back, okay?  Who knows - I may end up not liking it there!"  And he didn't.  He hates it.  

But it just didn't make sense to me - after all, he wanted to move here!  How could he hate it here?  And he doesn't even know anyone here, he hasn't made friends - why can't he give it a chance?  I mean sure, the weather isn't like what we're used to back home (no one loves the weather here) and it's not the landscape we grew up with.  Occasionally we get to go on a bike ride together - maybe once a month.  But he doesn't want to go out on date nights with me, see movies or do anything at all except sit upstairs in "his" room, work on his hobbies or play video games, and drink in secret.    

As early as last fall, and perhaps sooner than that, my husband started applying for jobs elsewhere - without telling me.  I knew he was looking, but I wasn't ever informed when he actually applied.  These jobs were out of state, some in-state.  He had made his mind up that this town was not for him and just couldn't wait to get the hell out because (his words) this place is the worst place ever and any place has to be better.  And yes, I've told him that I fear it doesn't matter where he lives, that he could be miserable no matter what.  He agreed that there is no guarantee he would be happy anywhere.

He has been offered a job as of this week, and after some negotiations he is primed to accept their final revised offer.  The good news (for me) is that the town is a couple hours away from here, and he will be traveling somewhat often, so I can drive to stay here and attend my meetings some weeks, visit with friends and stay connected to my amazing support network.  Their encouragement, love and collective experience has warmed my heart, strengthened my soul and stoked the fire within the Real Me.

I would say "it goes without saying", but it doesn't for most of us - so I will say that in the program I have learned that I have my choices.  I do not have to move with him.  I could stay here, find a job, and try to still build my business.  This would mean we would get a divorce, most likely, which is not something I would ever want.  Even knowing this, I cannot imagine we can continue this way.  Tonight we have talked more than we have in two weeks - the first conversation in at least one.  He told me the company said he was the most qualified candidate by far that they had talked to for this position (I said the same thing two weeks ago, which he then batted away).  He went over the job in more detail, the pay and benefits, what he would be doing, how often he would be traveling.

We watched TV and ate our separate dinners together.  He apologized almost too much that he had turned the lights off on me while I was in my workroom.  He made other small talk.  I showed him the things I am working on for my business and he seemed genuinely impressed and complimentary.  And yet despite this I am 99% sure that he will still sleep in the other bedroom with the door locked.

***UPDATE*** The door is ajar - I repeat, the door is ajar.

Stay tuned for more late-breaking developments.