"...And The Lady Will have The Spinach Dip."

This past week and a half has been rough.

I mentioned in my previous post that my husband is once again stonewalling me - sleeping on the couch, getting ready in the other bathroom, not wearing his wedding ring.  Not wearing his wedding ring.  It always hurts, and always confuses.  Especially when there are small "nice" gestures thrown in each day for good measure (though he remains sleeping on the couch without his ring).  I try to tell myself, "This is part of the disease, this has nothing to do with you."  But it's hard to detach sometimes.

When I type it out it hits me how insane this all is, especially because I look back at what's transpired in terms of "arguments" and there isn't anything I did that could possibly justify this kind of behavior.  And that's the issue of mine that I still struggle with, even after a year and a half in Al Anon: every time there is unacceptable behavior I try to understand why, and how, and what did I do?  I still have not completely realized the fallacy of the "logic" - his or mine, in the dysfunctional dynamic we have been living in for so long - that the only thing that can change my husband's behavior is my behavior.

Last night, after coming home from work and making his own dinner, my husband left without saying to where or when he'd be back.  He returned shortly thereafter, having forgotten something, and he lingered at the door.  I gave in and asked him where he was going.

"Out."
"Well out, right, but where?"
"Somewhere. I don't know."

He said he just wanted to be out, and it was very clear that he did not want to be here, with me, and our pets, and the weekend ahead of us ready to be filled with things to do together.  He looked sad, on the verge of angry tears.  When I offered that I'd be gone walking our dogs, that he could have the run of the house, I realized I was trying to get him to stay, and stopped. "Okay", I said, and walked away before he walked out.

This was huge for me - just last week he wanted to leave and I tried to talk him into staying, I just thought "This is ridiculous - I have to get through to him.  He can't just leave like this! I deserve to be listened to, I'm his wife!"  He ended up shoving me away from the door.

So last night, after he left, I continued to do the next right thing and take care of myself - I leisurely walked our dogs as planned and went for a swim.

In the pool, while floating around, I heard other couples in our complex giggling, laughing, talking on their way home from dinner.  It occurred to me it was Friday night - Friday night - and I am alone in our pool, and at this rate probably going to spend the evening alone and waiting for him to come back, potentially going to bed in a fit of resentment, anger and hurt.

Then the record scratched.

"No way", I thought.  "I'm going to meet my own needs."

So you know what I did?  I took myself out on a date.  I got dressed up, did my makeup, put on perfume, zipped myself up, told myself how nice I looked, and I took myself out on a date.  I let me pick the restaurant.  I even held the door open for me.  Who says chivalry is dead?

On the way to the restaurant, it was difficult to stay in the moment and not become anxious at the thought of my husband returning home and finding I had left.  "He's going to be upset" I kept thinking, but I put it out of my mind.  I wanted to give myself a nice night out, and the only way to do that would be to stay in the moment.

It was a late dinner, and when I returned home my husband was still gone, though I could tell he had been home.  A few things were missing, and it became clear to me that he had no intention of returning until the end of the weekend.

As of this post I still have not heard from my husband - no calls, no texts.  I awoke in the middle of the night last night in a panic, my heart racing, fearing something had happened to him or he'd been arrested or worse.  That this is somehow my fault, playing the guilt & regret tape on repeat in my mind, playing back things I could have done differently.  But I am not in control of my husband's behavior - there are no invisible marionette strings.  And any analysis of cause and effect means I'm slipping back into codependency and unhealthy habits.  His behavior is his property and my behavior is my property.  The more I remind myself of that, the better I can calm down, breathe, and get some sleep.

Why is it so hard to accept this?

When it comes down to it, it's this: when I accept that I am not the problem then I must accept that I am not the solution.  Anything I say, do or offer is of no lasting consequence to the health, behavior and sobriety of my husband.

It doesn't matter how much I love on him.

It doesn't matter how many times we have sex. 

It doesn't matter how often I tell him I love him.
It doesn't matter what or how often I cook for him.

It doesn't matter if I don't tell him "Good Morning" the morning after a fit.

It doesn't matter if he gets love notes or other tokens of affection.
It doesn't matter.

My husband will continue to drink until he experiences a consequence.  One could argue that all of the loving, kind things I've done for him - despite his unacceptable treatment of me - is enabling.  It's fuzzy to me, and though I'm not sure, I definitely do see how continuing to "go along to get along" has not helped him in the direction of a consequence.  And to boot, though I try to "let it begin with me", I too often fall into being a doormat.

I hope anyone reading this understands that it is not their fault.  That we all deserve to be treated with love and respect by our husbands and wives.  And that behavior and treatment of this nature is passive-aggressive manipulation, not communication of feelings, thoughts and needs.

So take yourselves to dinner.  Take your kids for a walk.  Go to the movies.  Sit for a quiet 30 minutes by yourself.  Cook the new recipe your friend e-mailed you.  Read the book that's getting dusty on your side table.  Sitting around worrying, waiting or wishing for your alcoholic to meet your needs is such a waste of the precious now that we are so fortunate to have.


Please all take care of yourselves, and try to do the next right thing.  I'll be doing the same.