Changing The Things I Can

It is coming up on one year that I have been in Al Anon, and there's nothing quite like an Al Anon Anniversary to put your past year in perspective.  Oh, the things that have happened, been said, been done. My sponsor recently pointed out to me just how far I've come - from having nothing to do except get up in the morning (whenever that was), cook, walk the dogs, go to meetings - to now, having so much on my plate from my venture that I am struggling to check off all of my to-do list most days.  In short, I am overwhelmed by Me and My World and they are great things to be overwhelmed by.

All of this good stuff happened when I had my first real breakthrough in focusing on me and changing the things I can.  There were so many times I felt as though I were emotionally crawling into a meeting, so desperate for some hope, so tired of constantly worrying about my husband's drinking, what problems it would soon cause and how I could work around them, having too many pre-scripted arguments in my own head stored away in a dark, sick catalog.  As I once shared in a lead, I was so hyper-vigilant I thought myself to be a Green Beret or a Navy Seal - every possible outcome mapped, every possible angle analyzed and strategized in my sad little alcoholic "Choose Your Own Adventure".  No thanks.

"Worrying and a rocking chair are the same in that they give you something to do but in the end you get nowhere", I heard once in a meeting.  So one of the first changes I made was to my own thinking - nope, can't worry.  "I can't control the first thought in my head, but I can control the ones after it" I've also heard.  So I put worrying on my list.

"When you point the finger at someone, you have three pointing back at you."  Yup.  Too often I am taking my husband's inventory (and others!) instead of my own.  Yes, there are times to judge the behavior of someone else and decide what is healthy for us to do in terms of setting boundaries, keeping ourselves emotionally or physically safe.  But there's a reason this is an Al Anon maxim - when I'm focused on the shortcomings of others I can't possibly begin to open up the delicate patchwork of my own repair and recovery.  And phew, is there some room for change and evolution within me.

Here's my current list of things I'd like to change (in no particular order):

Get more organized - treat my workspace like a temple, something to be primped and taken care of, because like most important things in life, it nurtures me when I nurture it.

Get healthy - truly, I fancy myself to be a health nut.  Which would be hard to understand if you saw me eating some of the yummy but bad for me things I pile on my plate come lunch time.  Eat less, move more.  It's already working, but I need to stick with it.

Re-learn the art of conversation - lately I've been stuck in my own head.  2013 has already thrown quite a bit my way (mom's surgery, new move on the horizon, venture happenings) and I find myself in a state of reaction, which is a comfortable place for us Al-Anons.  But the reaction isn't so much in my life, as I feel I am making proactive changes, but in my communication.  It has been difficult of late to keep what I think are coherent conversations on my part.  What is wrong with me?  I wonder.  So, I think I need to give myself a rest, relax and just go with the flow.

Learn how to love my husband where he is - I thought I had this down.  I thought I was good at this.  But lately there is such a gray area surrounding my detachment, it is foggy and I can do nothing but feel my way through it.  My caretaking skills have won out yet again, and so I am relearning how to be a wife to my husband and not a mother; a wife who is empathetic, kind, loving but honors him as a separate, different human being.  Right now this thought scares the hell out of me, but I'm working on it.  And it's okay to be happy when he's drinking.  Even when he has a glass of red wine downstairs and I catch him (completely by accident) drinking from a mini-bottle of white wine upstairs.  Would you believe it?  It still surprises me every time.  But he's not a bad person, he's a sick person, and you know, he still makes me laugh, he still does sweet things, and we still have that spark.  And that's okay to admit.

Asking for help - and accepting it when it is offered - Do you know how many times I wish my husband would do the dishes?  I stand at the sink and am repulsed and annoyed at the stinky, burgeoning pile of plates, mugs and silverware, and I just, I just seethe.  It's one of the few times that I actually seethe.

"Why can't he just do the dishes?" I ask myself as I sigh, turn on the hot water and get to work.

      *clank*  "He just doesn't THINK -"
      *clink clang*  "Ugh he just gets to come home, do his thing, let ME worry about all this -"
      *tink ting clank*  "Must be nice to not care!  Sigh, so selfish."

And then, maybe even the next day or a few days later -

       "Hey let me get that, I got it" he says, commandeering the mess.
        "No it's okay, I can do it."

The first word out of my mouth is "NO" - no! I need help.  Oh, ha, I just got that.

Not feeling guilty for being "selfish" - I just had myself a little epiphany.  This originally was going to say "Stop being so selfish."  Lately I've been spending a lot of time on myself, and it's rare.  I've hardly abandoned anyone but I am, say, more quiet.  I am trying to let my friends come to me, which is scary because well, sometimes they don't.  And being this far away from most of my friends, that hurts sometimes.  But I am taking care of myself, curling up in my little space and not dropping everything for everyone.  Okay, maybe sometimes, but really I'm getting better.  I swear.  It is so not attractive to not have a life, right?

Getting to meetings on time.  I can't remember the last time I heard a full lead, which inevitably means I won't share, because I am not fully understanding the meeting and feel my share won't make sense.  And as it is I'm having a hard time making sense during my shares.  So with this, I should probably go upstairs, take a shower and get ready already.

What are you all working on?  It is such a freeing thought that we can change ourselves, no matter where we are.  That "our situation may not get better, but we can."

Have a great day all!