Hope is still alive!
About two months ago I rescued Hope, an injured bird, from a main street in our previous town and took her to a wildlife rescue. Since then I have checked her status a few times to no avail, but this past week I finally got some answers.
Hope has been transferred from her rehabilitation in the baby bird unit, where she healed from injuries to her shoulder. There was blood in her eye and an old wound on her left leg from which she also recovered. When I think back to the way she was sitting in the road, so vulnerable and afraid, her wounds make so much sense. Now, she is in a flight cage where rehabilitators are helping her test her wings in confidence so she can fly again and be released back into the "wild" of my old town.
It was such a comfort to know that Hope is still hanging in there - naturally, as I have been concerned about her after having heard nothing of her condition. But also because the past month and a half has seen me attend zero Al Anon meetings, and it started to show weeks ago. So I need a little hope for myself right now.
Because no meetings means that my focus is mostly (or completely) on my husband's drinking and behavior. No meetings means that I completely forget and/or find it difficult to like myself in a situation that I do not like. No meetings means I stop taking care of myself. No meetings means enmeshment, codependency, unhealthy decisions, creeping back into old habits and just All Things Shitty.
As I've mentioned before, the meetings here aren't what I'm used to as they are run a bit differently: set topics/focus for each meeting instead of speaker-chosen topics from the literature seem to have a rigid effect, and does not afford the same random possibility of epiphany and recovery (at least for me - I'm sorry but there's only so many times a month I want to hear yet again about "Step (x)"). The schedule is also not as convenient. In attempts at compensation, the literature sits on my bedside table and I read several readings a day. But the energy of a meeting, the feeling in the air of those who are walking in your shoes or have been where you have been, the understanding nods and thoughtful conversation with new friends - that cannot be replaced.
So my hope for this week is to go forth, explore and meet my needs - one of which is counseling. Al Anon has been an invaluable resource to saving me in small ways and big, but as the program rightly suggests sometimes the help of a professional is needed, and I will be the first to admit that I need professional help right now. Because you can't see me, but for the past couple of weeks I've looked like this:
Because no meetings means that my focus is mostly (or completely) on my husband's drinking and behavior. No meetings means that I completely forget and/or find it difficult to like myself in a situation that I do not like. No meetings means I stop taking care of myself. No meetings means enmeshment, codependency, unhealthy decisions, creeping back into old habits and just All Things Shitty.
As I've mentioned before, the meetings here aren't what I'm used to as they are run a bit differently: set topics/focus for each meeting instead of speaker-chosen topics from the literature seem to have a rigid effect, and does not afford the same random possibility of epiphany and recovery (at least for me - I'm sorry but there's only so many times a month I want to hear yet again about "Step (x)"). The schedule is also not as convenient. In attempts at compensation, the literature sits on my bedside table and I read several readings a day. But the energy of a meeting, the feeling in the air of those who are walking in your shoes or have been where you have been, the understanding nods and thoughtful conversation with new friends - that cannot be replaced.
So my hope for this week is to go forth, explore and meet my needs - one of which is counseling. Al Anon has been an invaluable resource to saving me in small ways and big, but as the program rightly suggests sometimes the help of a professional is needed, and I will be the first to admit that I need professional help right now. Because you can't see me, but for the past couple of weeks I've looked like this:
The hope for me, then, is that after some much-needed meetings and counseling, I'll enjoy a slight personal makeover and end up looking more like this:
Fingers crossed. It's a more slimming angle if anything.
And now, off to some much needed self-focus and self-care.
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