Found meetings in my new town; it's not the same. It's in an AA club for one thing, so it's not the cushy, quiet, serene place that I am used to working my program. Phew, was I spoiled. The place even had landscaping - landscaping! Maybe I could start a franchise of my old meeting. "Carpet, soft lighting and comfy chairs for all!" But I dream.
Fortunately, though the scenery may be vastly different, the core of the program is the same. And in fact, their posted list of the Do's and Don'ts reminded me of some that I have heard in other meetings outside my "home meeting." Hung in between the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions, they're displayed (amongst the same ones that I posted in part 1) on a big, laminated list:
Don't expect immediate, contented sobriety
Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make
Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal
Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic
Don't hide liquor or pour it out
Do remember that you can't control, cause or cure alcoholism
Do find a group where you feel comfortable
Do be honest with yourself
Do get a sponsor
Already I have been reminded of several of these - how many times in the past few weeks have I forgotten that I didn't cause my husband to go out and buy alcohol in secret, how many times have I thought about throwing away even empty liquor bottles that we kept (pre-epiphany) for "decoration"; how many times have I thought "Doesn't he love me? Doesn't he see what this is doing to us?"
So I stop trying to check up on him, which in our case is snooping and looking for bottles or smelling his breath, or trying to gauge "where he's at" emotionally or mentally. I have found a group - not one I'm particularly comfortable with - but one that I'm grateful to have as, well, it's really the only place in town. And so I remain grateful that even despite the hundreds of miles, Al Anon has followed me here to my new town and I am able to keep working my program in a noisy, not-that-clean-place that I'm pretty sure has some kind of health code violation going on. But yes I'll say it again - I'm grateful. I'm grateful okay!
Fortunately, though the scenery may be vastly different, the core of the program is the same. And in fact, their posted list of the Do's and Don'ts reminded me of some that I have heard in other meetings outside my "home meeting." Hung in between the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions, they're displayed (amongst the same ones that I posted in part 1) on a big, laminated list:
Don't expect immediate, contented sobriety
Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make
Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal
Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic
Don't hide liquor or pour it out
Do remember that you can't control, cause or cure alcoholism
Do find a group where you feel comfortable
Do be honest with yourself
Do get a sponsor
Already I have been reminded of several of these - how many times in the past few weeks have I forgotten that I didn't cause my husband to go out and buy alcohol in secret, how many times have I thought about throwing away even empty liquor bottles that we kept (pre-epiphany) for "decoration"; how many times have I thought "Doesn't he love me? Doesn't he see what this is doing to us?"
So I stop trying to check up on him, which in our case is snooping and looking for bottles or smelling his breath, or trying to gauge "where he's at" emotionally or mentally. I have found a group - not one I'm particularly comfortable with - but one that I'm grateful to have as, well, it's really the only place in town. And so I remain grateful that even despite the hundreds of miles, Al Anon has followed me here to my new town and I am able to keep working my program in a noisy, not-that-clean-place that I'm pretty sure has some kind of health code violation going on. But yes I'll say it again - I'm grateful. I'm grateful okay!
This post helped me, thank you. I have not yet started al-anon and I am only 11 months into my marriage with a functioning alcoholic, however I am ready to begin. I find myself constantly trying to "gauge" where he's at, waking up in the morning after he's had his beers after work to "decompress", and counting how many he's had. This is consuming me, and I know that I can't continue to live like this. It's comforting to know that I did not cause this, that I am not the only one out there, and that I am really not as crazy as he tries to make me feel, I realize that my behavior is normal for what I am going through. Right now I have such a feeling of failure that I'm ready to give up after just ten months. I ask myself if there's more that I can do, should I hang in there? I'm so angry at myself for believing that marriage would change him, but being an acoa myself, that's what I do.... try to fix. There are so many things I need to work through it is overwhelming at times and I don't even know where to begin. Everything is so dark and hopeless right now. Reading these posts do give me some hope though... thank you :-)
ReplyDeleteI read your comment and my heart goes out you. I am newly married as well to a functioning alcoholic. So much of our story is similar.. The counting the beers in the trash can in the morning, wanting to call it quits when you just got married(it's only been 4 months for me), but I decided to respond when I read your comment about your husband and his after work beers. The first time I ever heard my husband say , " I just need to decompress." I thought it was comical. Not so funny now. Deciding to go to Al Anon was the best decision I've ever made. In the end, I decided I couldn't live the way I had been. The support I have received in the group is amazing. Literature.. Stories just like yours, and people you can talk to who want to listen and help.
ReplyDeleteIs there any real point in staying. Are we just kidding ourselves. I want to turn round in the mornings and see someone who I feel really loves me, wants to hold me and instead of peeping his head in the door every so often on a Saturday night just to make me feel he cares, while all the while he has his drink set out in some hidden nook close by.
ReplyDeletewhat is the point staying, I have stayed 30.years hopping it would get better, trying to be a really good wife and mother. It didn't matter; now I am just angry and not sure who with. He mostly functions, he will not discuss anything when he is sober. When he is drunk he gets brave and tries to have a sensible conversation about the wrongs of our children!
ReplyDelete