Gangster-Wad: The Sequel

A couple days ago I posted about how I discovered that my husband is secretly saving cash and hiding it from me in our home.  Well, Monday came and went and guess what?  The wad went too.  This...this did not please me.

Frantically I searched our home (and even checked the pocket twice more - yes I knew it was gone, but dammit it was just here!) all the while cursing as I knew that my husband had simply taken it to work with him.  Surely, the gangster-wad would be snuggled once more in his jacket pocket upon his return.  Or, he had taken it with him and done something with it - bought something I can't see, paid someone back for a gambling debt, deposited it into a secret account.  The other paranoid fears I had are too embarrassing to admit.

But nay, the wad was not returned yesterday when he got home from work.  Throughout the night I tried, with some success, to stave off fears and worrying and questions and the sick feeling in my stomach that I cannot trust the man laying next to me on the couch.  I tried not to think about how he was stashing away "our" money and not telling me, all the while acting as if we have no money.

Tonight, I thought well, what the hell - let's check the jacket pocket.  And guess what?  Yup, it was back.  This confirmed to me three things:

1. My husband takes it with him to work each day, because:
2.  He doesn't want me to find it by accident (whoops) because:
3.  He doesn't want me to know he's stashing cash.

We're going on a trip for the 4th, to a place we've both never been.  Despite the fact that I'm wary of my husband now, I'm still able to look forward to the trip and be excited for it.  Because in a way, finding that money gave me a strange sense of peace - it solidified and validated my gut feelings (suspicions) about my husband's "management" of our money.  Now I'm comforted by the truth, and the truth tells me that I was not crazy for fearing he was being dishonest.  The truth was not what I wanted to hear, but it's the truth nonetheless.  And now I know where I stand.

My hope is that it stays where it is and I'm able to track additional "deposits."  In the meantime, part of my self-care is to continue to exercise my mind, body and soul, and focus on my venture and all things that fulfill me, bring me light and hope, and bring me peace.