Sometimes, the pendulum can swing back faster than you can blink.
Sometimes, you have to stand in your kitchen and repeat to yourself, out loud, "It's not me."
"It's not me."
"This isn't because of me."
"It's not me."
"It's not me."
Sometimes you have to lay on the couch and flip channels indecisively. Sometimes you have to mute the tv so you can think, because maybe if the tv wasn't so damn LOUD, maybe you could think. Mute, unmute. Click, change. Change back. Click.
Sometimes you have to read Step 1 literature, over and over, in hopes it will become an earworm.
Sometimes you have to apologize for your part, promptly as possible admitting your wrongs, and sometimes you have to bite your tongue at what comes next.
Sometimes you have to leave the room.
Sometimes you have to repeat even parts of the serenity prayer to get through seconds of minutes of hours.
"...accept the things I CANNOT CHANGE."
"WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE."
"Accept...cannot change."
Sometimes you have to try to forgive yourself.
Sometimes you have to take the dog out for a walk.
And sometimes you just need to go to bed.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Say a Little Prayer
Al Anon meetings vary city to city, state to state, country to country, and they each have their own procedure, their own way of doing things. Slightly different openings may greet us, all 12 Traditions are read or maybe just a few. I do like those that end with the Serenity Prayer, because it's such a fantastic reminder, and one I often miss because I'm usually late to the start of my meeting. Whoops.
But at my particular meeting, my home meeting, we close by holding hands in a circle as we recite "The Lord's Prayer", or the "Our Father."
I was raised Catholic, and though I do not belong to the faith now nor any religion to speak of, I have my own way of connecting to the prayer that can change day to day. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me chuckle. Depends on what I'm going through, what I'm feeling.
For my Catholic or Christian readers please forgive me - I mean not to offend, but to explain how I steep myself spiritually in my own way, given that it's not mandatory for me to join in, but I admit I don't want to be "one of those people" who leaves before the prayer and gets talked about (joking, and of course I'd miss out on the meeting after the meeting). Or one of those who doesn't recite the prayer at all (I sometimes wish I were Jewish).
Also it's to make some of you laugh, but please don't hold me to that.
As I say the words to a particular line, I hold an image of something in my mind that has personal meaning to me. It's how I like to "start the day" from that point forward.
It's kind of like this:
Our Father (my dad - obvious maybe, but he's passed away and this works for me)
Who art in Heaven (the horse track - his heaven)
Hallowed be thy name (damn straight)
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done (my venture)
On earth (my real life) as it is in Heaven (Downton Abbey).
Give us this day our daily bread (venture's product)
And forgive us our trespasses (my latest screw up)
As we forgive those (husband) who trespass against us (ridiculous thing that he said/did recently)
And lead us not into temptation (scone)
But deliver us from evil (McDonald's fries)
For thine is the kingdom (universe),
the power (love),
the glory (new shoes) for ever and ever.
Amen.
But at my particular meeting, my home meeting, we close by holding hands in a circle as we recite "The Lord's Prayer", or the "Our Father."
I was raised Catholic, and though I do not belong to the faith now nor any religion to speak of, I have my own way of connecting to the prayer that can change day to day. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me chuckle. Depends on what I'm going through, what I'm feeling.
For my Catholic or Christian readers please forgive me - I mean not to offend, but to explain how I steep myself spiritually in my own way, given that it's not mandatory for me to join in, but I admit I don't want to be "one of those people" who leaves before the prayer and gets talked about (joking, and of course I'd miss out on the meeting after the meeting). Or one of those who doesn't recite the prayer at all (I sometimes wish I were Jewish).
Also it's to make some of you laugh, but please don't hold me to that.
As I say the words to a particular line, I hold an image of something in my mind that has personal meaning to me. It's how I like to "start the day" from that point forward.
It's kind of like this:
Our Father (my dad - obvious maybe, but he's passed away and this works for me)
Who art in Heaven (the horse track - his heaven)
Hallowed be thy name (damn straight)
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done (my venture)
On earth (my real life) as it is in Heaven (Downton Abbey).
Give us this day our daily bread (venture's product)
And forgive us our trespasses (my latest screw up)
As we forgive those (husband) who trespass against us (ridiculous thing that he said/did recently)
And lead us not into temptation (scone)
But deliver us from evil (McDonald's fries)
For thine is the kingdom (universe),
the power (love),
the glory (new shoes) for ever and ever.
Amen.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Into-me-see
Okay, so I've been dragging my feet trying to finish this post for a few reasons. First I was sick, then I had some personal stuff going on that bummed my writing flow. Then I got stuck 'cuz it's a little outside my comfort zone.
So one of my "Alamoms" (and...coined) is from El Salvador; she was the one who volunteered to lead my newcomer meeting on my very first day in the program. When I once confided in her that my husband was not affectionate, and that we were rarely intimate, she told me in her thick accent:
"Ah, reemember - 'eenteemahcy' meens 'een-too-mee-see'."
Intimacy = Into-me see.
At a rehabilitation center meeting shortly thereafter, the counselor, a recovering alcoholic himself, repeated these words of wisdom when I used the group to explain that my husband was stonewalling me at the moment, and that any physical contact was unthinkable. I mean forget sex, but even hugging, kissing, anything. I'd settle for an accidental boob graze.
"Yup a lot of us know about that, don't we? 'Intimacy' means 'into me see' - and he doesn't want to see what's going on with him right now. And he doesn't want you to, either. You see, when our integrity is out on you, being around you causes us pain, and then we resent you for the pain that you cause us. Doesn't sound like it's makes sense does it? But to alcoholics and addicts, it makes perfect sense."
Sometimes I wonder, what is it that he is so afraid for me to see? For him to see?
The last couple of weeks with my husband have been pretty...good. Knock on wood. There have been some bumps, but for the most part it was as if I had come back from my trip on that teeny frighteningly small plane like it was Delorean, and was transported back in time to the husband I once dated. He was easy and breezy, he laughed at my jokes (always a plus) and made jokes of his own. He smiled. He was attractive again. It had been 2 1/2 months.
So one night we um, yanno. Twice. And the next day, too.
And that first time, he was like Tom Hanks' character from "Cast Away" at an all-you-can-eat steak buffet and I was a big, juicy rib eye. No more spearing fish for you, Tom. And here's some mashed potatoes and gravy. And a hot fudge sundae to top that off.
It was the most connected of a time we've had together in...? It wasn't mechanical, penciled-in, boring. We told each other we missed each other. We said other things too, but that's as close to dirty talk as you guys are getting.
Intimacy isn't just physical touch. For me, for many of us, and I dare say in general, it's communication. When we haven't had sex in a while, it feels like in some way (a really important way) we haven't spoken to each other. We haven't been recognized, we haven't been heard.
As they say in the program, "This too shall pass." I know the pendulum can (and usually does) swing the other way. But for now, I'm going to let go of my resentments, my hurt, my fears of the future, my severe sciatica pain, and go up to give my husband a kiss.
So one of my "Alamoms" (and...coined) is from El Salvador; she was the one who volunteered to lead my newcomer meeting on my very first day in the program. When I once confided in her that my husband was not affectionate, and that we were rarely intimate, she told me in her thick accent:
"Ah, reemember - 'eenteemahcy' meens 'een-too-mee-see'."
Intimacy = Into-me see.
At a rehabilitation center meeting shortly thereafter, the counselor, a recovering alcoholic himself, repeated these words of wisdom when I used the group to explain that my husband was stonewalling me at the moment, and that any physical contact was unthinkable. I mean forget sex, but even hugging, kissing, anything. I'd settle for an accidental boob graze.
"Yup a lot of us know about that, don't we? 'Intimacy' means 'into me see' - and he doesn't want to see what's going on with him right now. And he doesn't want you to, either. You see, when our integrity is out on you, being around you causes us pain, and then we resent you for the pain that you cause us. Doesn't sound like it's makes sense does it? But to alcoholics and addicts, it makes perfect sense."
Sometimes I wonder, what is it that he is so afraid for me to see? For him to see?
The last couple of weeks with my husband have been pretty...good. Knock on wood. There have been some bumps, but for the most part it was as if I had come back from my trip on that teeny frighteningly small plane like it was Delorean, and was transported back in time to the husband I once dated. He was easy and breezy, he laughed at my jokes (always a plus) and made jokes of his own. He smiled. He was attractive again. It had been 2 1/2 months.
So one night we um, yanno. Twice. And the next day, too.
And that first time, he was like Tom Hanks' character from "Cast Away" at an all-you-can-eat steak buffet and I was a big, juicy rib eye. No more spearing fish for you, Tom. And here's some mashed potatoes and gravy. And a hot fudge sundae to top that off.
It was the most connected of a time we've had together in...? It wasn't mechanical, penciled-in, boring. We told each other we missed each other. We said other things too, but that's as close to dirty talk as you guys are getting.
Intimacy isn't just physical touch. For me, for many of us, and I dare say in general, it's communication. When we haven't had sex in a while, it feels like in some way (a really important way) we haven't spoken to each other. We haven't been recognized, we haven't been heard.
As they say in the program, "This too shall pass." I know the pendulum can (and usually does) swing the other way. But for now, I'm going to let go of my resentments, my hurt, my fears of the future, my severe sciatica pain, and go up to give my husband a kiss.
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