In a couple scenes we see George with Mary and he is (somewhat understandably) distracted, agitated, confused, self-absorbed and at times looks a little crazy. When he comes home after finding out the $8,000 is lost like, for sure, his face is drawn, his eyes are wild with worry, fear, and he clutches his child and cries desperately. Mary sees him, and we watch as, slowly, the bewilderment and then acknowledgement of the situation registers on her face. And then...she does nothing. She turns back to the tree and the kids and she goes about her business. She goes about her business. THEN, even after George lashes out and wonders why they had all these kids anyway (a little unacceptable, methinks) she tries to guide him into the kitchen and away from the kids, and she doesn't even look angry. You can see the love on her (concerned) face.
She speaks up for the kids after his outburst (because she's not a doormat) but doesn't argue with him, and when he leaves she doesn't follow him to ask him what the hell is wrong with him. Sure, she does call around to the entire town and try to help George and figure out what's wrong (after all, she's an Al Anon) but she didn't nag, scold or complain, she didn't lose her temper. She observed his behavior as his property.
Today was a tough day for me. My husband is in the mood where he just seems to completely hate me; his demeanor with me fluctuates from barely-concealed disdain to complete ambivalence. He isn't saying anything mean or being abusive - he is just withdrawn in a silent rage. It's been a while since I've attended a good meeting, and though I could blame my slips on that fact, I fear I am reaching the end of my rope. In the past few days I've seen myself behave as the kind of person I never thought I would be (after recovery) - extremely passive-aggressive, sarcastic, short, on edge, and just rude. Here I am with my family at Christmas and I am letting this trip and this holiday be about my husband's alcoholism and my pain. That's not fair to me, my family, or my husband.
My home-meeting's lead today was about expectations. As I've mentioned before, there's the saying that "expectations are resentments waiting to happen." Last Christmas my husband behaved just the same way he has been the last few days. It wasn't always like this, and sure it's hard to find the similarities in a once-a-year celebration. I can't reasonably expect my husband to behave in whatever way I deem desirable "because it's Christmas." I can't think to myself, wishfully, "Sure, he acts this way all the time - but it's Christmas." Unfortunately addiction doesn't honor holidays, or birthdays, or anniversaries. I can't expect him to be thoughtful, selfless, affectionate, interested in spending time with me and my family, curious about my day, the list goes on and on. That's just how it is, and to wish or hope or expect otherwise borders on masochism.
At this point, my only expectation should be that, as an alcoholic, my husband will continue to drink until he reaches his bottom, if that ever happens. Even on Christmas.
Some things that I will try to keep in mind tomorrow, that I hope can help some of you as well:
1) This is not about me. I have done nothing to deserve the treatment I'm getting, so I can stop trying to figure out what I did, or why he is this way.
2) Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics. Not because (fill in the blank).
3) I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
4) This day will not be about his disease or my pain because of it. I am going to enjoy the day and be happy regardless of his drinking.
5) I will "let it begin with me." Other people's moods do not dictate my moods, do not control my behavior and do not make me the type of person who isn't kind on purpose, who reserves her affection for others and punishes her husband with a cold and silent shoulder out of retaliation. Living this way is exhausting and just for today, I can't do it.
6) I will keep my focus on the conversations I'm supposed to be paying full and complete attention to, really enjoy whatever movie we're watching, savor our meal and smile with an open and easy heart.
Time to go to sleep now, this elf is wiped. And though I'm a little sad I'm not giving that emotion or my husband's alcoholism the power over my day. My family and friends have blessed me with their love and friendship and support; I have so much for which to be grateful and this day is about so much more.
To all a good night and may we all have peace, comfort and joy.
*Al Anon was started by Lois Wilson, wife of Bill Wilson (the founder of AA). Those in Al Anon are sometimes called "a friend of Lois" as AA members are "a friend of Bill."
I live with a functional alcoholic. We've been together 3 years now, and I won't marry him because I can't convince myself that he's fine and that we'll be fine. When I found your blog I hoped that I'd read the story of a woman who found the strength to leave. I can take some of your stories, insert our names, and have a biography. It was unfair of me to read your blog and get angry that you hadn't done anything. I suffer from the same frustrations, have the same arguments with myself, and go to sleep most nights wishing it would be the last for us together. I hope that both of us go on to lead lives full of love, free from fear of the mood swings and the arguments and the worry. I am only 32, but I feel so much older.
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you thank you.
ReplyDeleteI needed this SO MUCH. Thank you thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope you know how much you just recharged my soul. <3
ReplyDeleteReading this blog and reading others' comments definitely hits home. After ten years of marriage, birth of three children, and heartaches too numerous to count, I filed for divorce from my AH. He moved out eight weeks ago and these past eight weeks have been the happiest of days.
ReplyDeleteThe process was horrific and I am blessed to have had a tremendous family support system. I also have attended Al-Anon and DivorceCare support groups. While the future of being a single mom is uncertain and overwhelming at times, it is not very different than what I was already doing. I am so incredibly thankful for the many words of wisdom and support I have received. I knew I did not deserve to be treated the way that my AH treated me. I knew the things he was doing and saying were blatantly wrong. And finally, I gained the courage to put myself (and my kids) first.
I am completely at peace with my decision, despite still being 'blamed' by my AH. For anyone in similar situations, I wish you courage and I wish you peace.
Thank you for making me feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteI have just read almost all of your posts, and I feel like you are somehow inside my life and my head. My husband is an addict/alcoholic. He admits that he has a drinking problem and he swears he doesn't really want to drink...what he really wants is to get high with pot every day. When we met we were both in our early 40's & he was very upfront with me about his past marijuana abuse. He told me he had realized he didn't want to be that person anymore & so he had stopped of his own accord a couple of months before we met. At first, he seemed very happy to be with me & quickly swept me into marriage. As I look back, I think that the high of new love must have somehow replaced the other highs in his life, but of course that couldn't last. He suffers from clinical depression, which has worsened over the past 3-4 years. My husband doesn't drink every day, but he binge drinks badly a couple of times a week. Last night he drank 18 beers & half a bottle of vodka. He has recently announced to me that he is going to start getting high again so that he won't drink as much. This makes perfect sense to him & he is very enthusiastic to share with me all the studies that show the beneficial effects of cannabis. He plans to get high every day & I feel sure he will likely stay high throughout each weekend. I'm not sure how long I can hang on. I know I need to go to Al Anon & your blog has given me further encouragement to do that. Thanks for sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteI've been with my husband for almost 10 years. We both have great jobs and he never misses work. He's sober during the day. However, he drinks from the time he gets home until the time he goes to bed. Early in the evenings, he's okay. It transitions into him being quite annoying. He's not a mean drunk, but you can't have a conversation with him. You can't make it through watching a movie or t.v. show without having to pause and rewind to catch the missed dialogue due to him spouting off about a random thing. Forget planning an evening on the town that doesn't involve him drinking. If we go to a restaurant for dinner, he drinks before we leave, during, and after we get home. I guess I should check out Al Anon because I feel isolated.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I really found your list of things to keep in mind extremely helpful! I have his birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, I really dont want to expect and resent so needed some focus points!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for having the courage to create this blog, this has been my saviour along with everyones input! I now feel slightly more sane and hopeful that I although I can't manage him, I can manage how I feel about it, which I have now come to realise is the most important thing
xxxxx