In The Disease - Walking on Land Mines & Stonewalling

The recent months have been particularly difficult, and I see a lot of "insanity" and "in the disease" behavior and thinking in my husband.  As a result, interacting with him is at times maddening and subsequently I am left baffled and exhausted.  Slowly I see that a list of slights is being compiled against me, ready to be whipped out at a moment's notice, and it never ceases to amaze me just how quickly he can accuse me.  In the past I would feel as though I was trying to walk on eggshells and this has progressed into the feeling that the eggshells are now land mines.

Earlier last year, my husband and I relocated and he found himself in a job he "hates" and in a town he "hates."  When we first moved, he was very supportive and communicative, and still he has his moments, but this was a time when he seemed more himself.  He had been attending counseling and taking antidepressants, though he had not stopped drinking.  He seemed to be more relaxed and able to have tough discussions without them escalating.  That all went away in the first few weeks after moving here.  Soon he was verbally abusive, yelling horrible things - 

"You're a disease."

"I hate you!" 

"I want a divorce!" 

"If I could go back I never would have met you!"

- only to break down after my questioning and cry, saying that I wasn't the problem, he was sorry, that he just hates where he is in his life - he doesn't have a house, we don't have kids, etc.

After this happened a handful more times, he began stonewalling me. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, stonewalling is: "A refusal to communicate or cooperate."

John Gottman, a psychology professor and marital therapist, calls stonewalling the "fourth horseman of the apocalypse" as relates to his cascade model of divorce prediction.  Well, that doesn't make me feel any better.  "In his studies, men's physiology reached a state of arousal prior to them 'stonewalling', while the female partner showed a physiological reaction of increased heart rate after her partner had 'stonewalled' " (from my friend Wikipedia).

Yup, I'd say that is about accurate.  At times I find myself shaking.

It went like this: I would see him in the morning when he left for work, words rarely exchanged on his part. He would come home, exercise, go upstairs to drink and work on his hobby or play video games, come down for dinner, and would retire upstairs thereafter.  He didn't talk to me unless spoken to, and sometimes not even then.  He didn't touch me, hug me, and forget about kissing or anything intimate.  When he did look at me, it was as if all the contempt, anger, sadness - whatever horrible chasm of pain he held inside of him was shooting out through his glare and onto me.  It was this weird alternate universe in which I found myself with an irritable, sheltered roommate who seemed to despise me, yet whom I had still somehow agreed to cook for and clean up after.

This weekend my husband went back to stonewalling.  And I was completely blindsided.  Friday, he had come home with a dozen roses for me.  He even put them in the vase himself, mixed the flower food in the water and all (guys - this earns major points).  But the man who came home that day and the man who was here the rest of the weekend and through to now seem vastly different to me.

Some of the insanity of the disease is so hard to describe to those who aren't familiar.  Everyday interactions
are taxed by short, irrational or rude replies to simple questions.  The strangest part about stonewalling this time is that it happened without warning - sure, I could see it starting, but there was no fight or tension that brewed it; there was no criticism (from what I recall) on my part.  Nothing I did, I feel, warranted even this kind of disproportionate behavior and attitude.

Soon I found myself back in my own insanity of replaying the weekend, trying to pinpoint what I had said or done to cause him to withdraw, and later to lash out.  By Sunday he was not looking at me or speaking to me unless I asked him a question.  When he did look at me his pupils were dilated, either with anger or alcohol or both, and his jaw clenched and unclenched, clenched and unclenched.  Later he questioned why I hadn't prepared his lunch with certain extras.  His tone was expectant and irritated.

These particular instances from this weekend illustrate what I think is the disease rearing its head:

While I was out walking our dog, my husband walked out to his car, and we were both walking towards it and each other.  He passes me and my dog sniffs him hello, my husband barely glances at me.  Thinking he was simply getting something from his car, I was surprised to hear him get inside and start it.

As he pulled out I stood there, waiting, and when he lowered the window, I asked "Where ya goin'?"  Normal question.

Without hesitating he said: "I just walked right past you, why didn't you ask me then?"  Not so normal response.

"...I just thought you were getting something from your car, I didn't know you were going anywhere."

"Well, I'm going somewhere."

"...Where are you going?"

"Hobby shop."  This specific store is closed on Sundays.  Should have been my first clue, but later I was still not so surprised to see my husband return with yes, more booze of various kinds.  He once again retreated to his room, where he continued to drink and work on his hobby.

Later that night as I was working on my own interests, my husband comes downstairs, downs a fresh glass of wine and grabs his keys.  I figure I better ask him when I'm "supposed to."

"Where ya goin'?"

"To get some F*CKING dinner!"  Looking back, I should have just let him go at this point.  But I just couldn't help myself.

"...Excuse me?"

"I'm f*cking hungry! I'm going to get some dinner!"

"I know you're hungry but why do you seem angry also? And angry at me?" To this he said nothing.

The conversation didn't go much further and he left, once again returning to go back upstairs.  I let him be, but did check his door when I figured he had gone to sleep.  It was locked.  My husband was sleeping in the other room of our house...with the door locked to keep me from him.  After *he* yelled at *me*.  The locked door was his last physical manifestation of refusing to talk, refusing to offer anything.  Refusing to open up.  And there was just nothing I could do about it, was there?  And take that, he seemed to say.

Being strong in my program, the first few days were not so difficult.  Besides, I have my own thing to focus on, a business venture, and I have felt more myself than I have in years.  I am fired up with passion and inspiration so much so that I must force myself to go to sleep at night instead of toiling away into the wee hours.  As the stonewalling continued however, this faded, and I broke down this morning.  

After being snapped at once again (an first thing in the morning - never ceases to amaze me) I asked him, what was wrong?  What did I do?  He insisted there was nothing wrong as he hurried around to gather this belongings for work.  

"I'm not stupid", I said.

"Neither am I."

"I know what you're doing, you're upset about something and now I have to guess what it is and until then I'm being punished."  

"I'm not doing anything."  He answers these questions without looking at me, busying himself with leaving.

I did what I could to get through the day.  Right now I am trying to remember what I have learned in Al Anon; that "taking care of me" means I am able to focus on myself, and in doing so I am able to lovingly detach and love him where he is.  I continue to hope for the strength to be able to do so.